


The True Undiscovered Country

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21770260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Til Death do us Part is for sissies. Even Round 2 of Til Death do us part is for Sissies. T'hy'la are forever.After "The Undiscovered Country", Kirk and Spock try to deal with tension that has built between them. They deal with their own fears regarding the real Undiscovered Country (death). Both feel the other has a cavalier attitude towards it. Both have never really processed their feelings on Spock’s initial demise. Petrified after having almost lost each other again, and still not processing it, they’ve turned to anger. Kirk has channeled his towards the Klingons. Spock channeled his towards Valeris. Neither is really coping. They decide to strengthen the bond, something Spock has always resisted, but now both want.Story continues through the movie "Generations" and focuses on Kirk's canon-compliant death.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	The True Undiscovered Country

Kirk looked at Spock and could almost not bear the tension between them. They used to rarely argue. Now it seemed they had cause to argue with each other frequently. It was tearing him apart. He’d already lost him before. Watched the love of his life die painfully from radiation separated by inches of transparent aluminum. He’d experienced the miracle of watching Spock come back from the dead, slowly. There was a time when the only thing Spock knew was “Jim”. He hadn’t even known his own name, but he knew Kirk was “Jim.” They were  t’hy’la . That was right.  _ Now look at us _ , he thought to himself, arguing _ like an old bitter married couple. Which we are in a way.  _

He felt Spock’s gaze at him. They both wanted to speak, but neither knew what to say. He decided to start. “I’m sorry. For lots of things. For taking my fears about everything out on you. And on the Klingons. I blame them for David’s death. And I blame them for me not getting to know my son. But that’s not really entirely their fault.”

Spock half-smiled. “I should think Carol Marcus’ decision to withhold the fact that you had a son from you for decades is a major reason you did not get to know him.”

Kirk nodded. “Yeah, and I blame them for everything I can’t cope with. I watched the Enterprise go down in flames to keep her from the Klingons. I almost lost you again to them.” Kirk trembled involuntarily. “I can’t lose you again. It would kill me.”

Spock took his hands gently between his own. “Jim, I’m right here.”

Kirk couldn’t stop shaking now. He had held emotions in for too long. “You know what I kept thinking was the best part about being sentenced to  Rura Penthe ?” He paused for a second. “I thought that this time I’d get to die first.”

Spock’s voice was tinged with emotion. “Jim, I found you then. I will always find you.”

Kirk pulled Spock to him, burying his face in Spock’s shoulder. “You’re still mad at me.”

Spock brushed the stubborn lock of hair off Kirk’s forehead and sighed imperceptibly. “I’m mostly aggravated with myself.” 

Kirk could feel Spock’s hesitation, but as Kirk rubbed circles along Spock’s shoulders he relaxed slightly. “What I did to  Valeris was a crime.”

“We needed information,” Kirk tried to justify, but Spock was the one to tremble. 

“There were other ways. Medication could have been tried. I--” Spock paused. “Jim, I wanted to hurt her. Wanted her to feel the pain I’d felt when I thought you might be gone forever. I wanted her to suffer, as I’d suffered. What does that make me?”

Kirk pulled Spock close to him and whispered softly. “It makes you half-human. It makes you Spock. We all have the capacity for violence in us. Controlling that capacity is what makes us civilized.”

For a moment they sat, holding each other closely. Then Kirk felt tears sting his eyes. 

“Spock, I’ve never truly dealt with a lot of things. But I’m old enough now to know how many things I regret.”

He changed the angle he was sitting at so he could see Spock clearly. “For years, we kept this a low-level bond. We never have done anything official. You always had logical reasons to support the  arrangement we had, and I was young and stupid and happy enough to settle. I don’t want it low-level anymore. I want the whole ball of wax.”

Spock’s repeat of the idiom was expected “Ball of wax?”

Kirk smiled. “Us. I want us to get married and have a full bond. I want to marry you in both the Human and Vulcan way.”

Spock paused. “Starfleet may not permit us to serve together if we were officially married.”

Kirk nodded. “You’ve given me all the logical reasons before. You left me for them before, even.”

It was Spock’s turn to fight back tears. “I should never have gone to Gol. I did not know how to process the feelings I felt for you. I never imagined you felt the same as I did. You know how much I regret--”

Kirk stopped him with a quick kiss. “Yes, I didn’t mean to bring it up to argue. And I’m not trying to fight now. I just am too old to hide my feelings for you. Too old for people to think that we’re not everything we are. I didn’t even get to be listed as anything to you in your obituary.”

Spock looked at him with a glimpse of understanding. “If you had died on  Rura Penthe , I would have been  unmentioned in yours as well.”

“Marry me. Stop holding back when we meld. I want the whole bond.”

“Jim, there is a chance when Starfleet learns that we are bonded they will take away command. They will say you are under my influence. Or they will fear the Klingons would hold the bond against one of us.”

Kirk laughed softly. “When I wasn’t even officially married to you, I defied orders, stole a starship,  and destroyed said starship for you. I’m pretty sure they already know I’d do anything for you.” He wiped a tear off of Spock’s cheek as his normally unemotional partner openly wept. “Jim--” his voice was so full of emotion and adoration that Kirk gave up keeping his own tears in and let them flow freely down his face.

“Spock, I’d quit command today. I’d go back to teaching at the Academy. Hell, I’d go work in a  dilithium mine if it meant I could openly let people know how much I love you. If people could know you love me. If we could let the bond that already exists between us reach its natural conclusion. I want to make love to you while we meld without you worrying that the bond is going to become a life bond. I  _ want _ that life bond.”

Spock had taken him back in his arms. “Jim, with the strength of our bond as it is, I’ve told you it is likely that when one of us dies, the other will as well.”

“You told me if I died first, a Vulcan Healer could save your life.”

“Perhaps if I were on Vulcan when you died. But I would not want to live without you. I would hope to be off Vulcan should you die before me.”

Kirk whispered. Remembered pain threatened to choke him. Memories he’d quickly buried rather than  process tore at him. “I dealt with living without you before. I can’t--I can’t ever do that again. Please don’t make me.”

Spock lifted his hand halfway to Kirk’s face. “Let me feel, please. You’ve never let me feel your pain before from this.”

“You said it’d bond us permanently.”

“Let it.” Spock whispered hoarsely.

Kirk’s sudden smile, changed the course of the tears running down his face. “Then you will marry me!”

“Yes, Jim.”

And then his fingers were at Kirk’s temple and their minds merged. Both felt the pain the other had experienced. The physical and the mental pains. They both felt what the other had felt before Spock’s death and after. Kirk’s horrified realization after the  fal -tor-pan that even though Spock knew he was “Jim” that it was not apparent for a long time that he remembered much more than that. For months there had been no sign that Spock recalled any aspect of their prior intimate life. Months Kirk spent thinking that he’d lost Spock as a lover. And feeling  guilty for mourning that when he felt that he should have been grateful enough just to have Spock alive.

Spock felt his pain and shared it and began to make love to him while the life bond was forming and the meld continued. His own Vulcan heart was breaking at the thought that for months Kirk believed he was no longer loved by Spock.  _ Even when I did not know how to physically love you, I have loved you for years. From the moment you first beat me at chess, you stirred something in me that I did not know a name for. I will always love you. Even when I know nothing else. Never doubt that again. _

Kirk couldn’t move. Spock kept him pinned with his superior Vulcan strength as he covered Kirk’s face and neck in kisses. One hand at his temple held their minds together and then suddenly Spock was able to move his hand, but the link remained as strong as it was. He could feel all of Spock’s emotions. His remorse and regret for having ran away from his love for Kirk and going to Gol. His gratefulness for their reunion after that. His joy at the love they had shared for the last couple of decades. And now his regrets mirroring Kirk’s own at having not made the most of the time they had together. Of having shortchanged them both of years of living their lives with as much connection as they should have. And then he and Kirk consciously reached the decision to follow the Vulcan concept of  Kaiidth .  _ What is, is. We can make the most of every second we have left. _

Their love flowed into each other as they moved as one physically and mentally. All the times that Spock had held back from letting the bond fulfill itself seemed to ricochet so that the bond ignited between them. They felt everything physically and emotionally the other was experiencing and they climaxed together nearly the moment their cocks actually touched one another. It was amazing and for a moment they both regretted that they had not done this years ago. But then they each reminded the other they were going to abide by  Kaiidth . And with their minds still connected, they lay intertwined in a post-coital haze.

After a bit, Spock stirred and got up. Kirk smiled at him lovingly. He knew how much the Vulcan disliked a mess and the fact that Spock had stayed holding him while being sticky was endearing to him. He felt Spock’s mental blush at Kirk’s blatant teasing affection. 

“Do you think Sulu is still close enough to swing back through this way and marry us?”

“You do not wish to wait and have a larger ceremony?”

“You think your parents will mind that we eloped?”

“My father has already melded with you, so he already knows we had a relationship. I do not think he will mind us making it official. And my mother will likely cry that she missed my wedding, but we can have a Vulcan ceremony in the future.”

“Oh, that sounds like an excellent idea. Let’s get married as soon as Sulu can get here. And let’s have a nice little Vulcan ceremony.” Kirk’s eyes gleamed suspiciously. “I promise not to declare a challenge.”

“Jim!” Spock exclaimed, a touch of hurt rushing through the bond. But then he could feel Kirk’s humor and share Kirk’s memory that their wrestling on the sands of Vulcan after  T’Pring had declared challenge was the first time Kirk became aware that he loved Spock in every way and that he desired him in a physical manner. It would still be a couple of years before he’d let Spock know that explicitly. And Spock had reacted by running to Gol to purge himself of such illogical feelings. 

The present rushed back to them and they both declared  Kaiidth again to each other.

Kirk flipped the intercom. “Uhura, can you patch me through to the Excelsior?”

“One moment, sir.” There was a pause. “Sulu here.”

“How soon could you  rendezvous with us? We’ve got a favor we need you to do.”

“ Absolutely , captain. What can I do for you?”

“Spock and I need you to marry us.”

Sulu’s often impassive expression changed into a huge grin. “Yes sir! Be happy to! Congratulations! We can be there in--” there was a pause as he consulted something off screen “four hours.”

Uhura’s face replaced Sulu’s as the connection ended. “Congratulations! May I go get the ship’s chapel decorated?”

“Yes, Uhura. That’d be fine. We appreciate it.” He turned to Spock. “We better tell Bones.”

“McCoy here.”

“Spock and I wanted to invite you to our wedding. We’re getting married in 4 hours.”

“About damn time!” McCoy muttered. “Isn’t that right, Spock?”

There was something in McCoy’s eyes that caught Kirk’s attention. “What is it, Bones?”

McCoy paused. “You forget, I shared minds with Spock for a while. I know what it took for him to hold back mentally. And I can see that’s gone now. He’s  not holding back anymore.”

Tears began to pour out of McCoy’s eyes and then the three best friends both were emotional.    
“Bones, get down here so I can hug you!” Kirk demanded.

A few minutes later McCoy came to Kirk’s quarters. Kirk pulled him into a bear hug. “Thanks for carrying his  katra for us.”

Spock laid a hand on McCoy’s. “And thank you for putting up with so much personal information for so long.”

McCoy furiously wiped away at his tears. “ Y’all are getting me all emotional! I’ve got to go plan a party for  y’all !” With a quick hug, he slipped out of Kirk’s embrace and left.

Kirk stood there with tears still on his cheek. He could feel all of Spock’s affection. The bond between them was unshielded and still processing raw emotions from each of them.

***

McCoy looked at Spock. “How do you know he’s not dead? Starfleet reported him dead. This is his  godamn funeral.”

Spock stared at him. “We’re bonded. If he died, I would have felt it. There’s a change. He’s somewhere that he doesn’t know. But he’s not being harmed. He’s not scared. He’s curious.”

“And you don’t know where he is?”

“I am not sure that he is in this dimension. His clearest thought to me is ‘this is not real.’”

“What are you going to do?”

“There is nothing for me to do. I have scoured every recording the Enterprise-B took. I can find no sign, no energy trail, no clue to follow. But I will continue to sift through the information.”

Spock paused and for the first time McCoy could see Spock’s grief. “He is not dead. But he is gone from here. I cannot hold him. Or talk to him. The bond is stretched to the point that I cannot clearly communicate with him. Perhaps this is our  penance .”

McCoy looked at him with confusion. “We both wanted to be able to die when the other did. But we had delayed the bond for silly reasons for decades. Now the universe gets its revenge.”

The doctor stared at his Vulcan friend who was spouting definitely illogical phrases. 

“Forgive me. That was most illog--”

“Don’t say it. Please.” McCoy laid a hand over Spock’s right hand. “I’ve seen this universe. And some others. And the only constant I’ve ever seen in those universes is the two of  y’all . You’ve cheated death. Now he’s cheating death. But in the end, I have no doubt the universe will bring you back together. The two of  y’all’s love for each other is the only constant I’ve ever seen. Even in the mirror universe, you loved him.”

Spock’s tears silently rolled down his cheeks. But he treasured McCoy’s words. And he was grateful that the obituary Starfleet posted read that Captain James T. Kirk was survived by his husband Captain Spock.

***

Years passed, and Spock became accustomed to living his life alone. At the back of his mind, he could still feel his link with Jim, but it was faint. Much more of the link they had before they’d bonded. Sometimes he could feel emotions from Kirk. Mostly sorrow. Regret. Confusion. But wherever Kirk was he was  unharmed. Alive. Not being tortured or hurt. Just experiencing many emotions. Some nights he awoke to Kirk screaming his name but when he reached for the bond it was weak and he did not know if Kirk could hear him back.

Spock put his life into his work. He was trying so hard to achieve unification with the Romulans.  Saavik , herself half-Romulan did not understand his mission. She told him he was fighting a losing battle. But he persisted. At night, he would replay every log the Enterprise B had from the time before Kirk’s disappearance. He had watched them hundreds of thousands of times and still knew nothing more than the day Kirk had vanished. Starfleet was sure he had been killed by the energy. But Spock knew that Kirk was still there somewhere.

One day, he felt the bond flare to life.  _ Jim _ . He mentally screamed. When he felt  Kirk’s mind touch his fully, he thought he’d pass out from sheer joy. He quickly realized Kirk was busy with something.  _ I’m trying to help save people. I’ve been trapped in the Nexus. I’m free now. As soon as I’m done here, I’m finding you. God, I love you, Spock. _ It was so clear and Spock sat in his office at the Vulcan Embassy and wept. They would be together soon.

Only, it quickly became apparent that Kirk was injured. He felt Kirk accept the realization.  _ Spock, I’m so sorry. I’m dying. How long has it been? _

Spock realized that wherever Kirk had been, he’d experienced no sensation of time.  _ More than eighty years, Jim. I’ve missed you. I knew you were alive but did not know where. _

He felt  Kirk’s body shutting down. Felt Kirk’s acceptance.  _ Then the Universe honored my wishes. I never wanted to cause you to die young for me. Now we can die old together. _

Spock wished he could hold Kirk. He was desperate for a physical connection, but their minds were very connected. In a way they had not been for more than eight decades. He let his mind flow towards Kirk’s and felt relief as his own body began to shut down, matching Kirk’s. He let his  katra seek Kirk’s out like a moth to a flame.

_ Jim. Whatever comes next I’m with you. _

And then Spock realized he was pure thought and Jim’s thoughts were like a sun. He could see Kirk glowing brightly. He touched the glow and felt warmth. 

_ Wherever we go, we go together. _

And together they passed into the Undiscovered Country.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this quickly and with a ton of emotion. My husband and I have been married over 10 years, and the past few months I've felt like I'm missing some perfect relationship. That by now we shouldn't argue. I finally got to thinking about how my OTP, Kirk and Spock, did argue. Separated (Gol). But I believe that they found each other after all. Will find each other. Look at my tenses. They're all screwed up like Edith Keeler.  
> Anyhow, just an emotional fic written when I decided to accept that even in the most perfect (fictional) relationship, there are days that they fight. But true love lasts.


End file.
